Dial 'M' for Christmas
~a Gray family card~
Katie- (to Lucinda Lee) Honey, put that down.
Nicho- What’s she got now?
K- She’s eating all the decoration popcorn.
N- (hand in bowl, mouth full) Whmp th fuhg iz deecrmption pmpchn?
K- You never put popcorn on a string?
N- (another fistful) The holidays are for eating, drinking, and making merry. Lucinda Lee and I are on step one.
K- (smacks his hand away) Keep it up there’ll be no step three.
N- Fine. There’s no movie butter anyway.
K- Why would I put butter on it when it’s going on the tree?
Lucinda Lee- Tree!
N- (grabbing more) Well if you’re just going to throw it out there for some stupid squirrels--
Cheeto & Cotton- (unison) Squirrels??--
George- Jesus Christ…
K- I am not throwing it at som
LL- Tree!
K- It goes lights, tinsel, popcorn. Then hanging ornaments, then--
N- Wait, wait wait wait…
K- Oh, this is happening.
N- You’re barbaric.
K- Soo, Christmas trees are murder. But Christmas ham--
Cheeto & Cotton- (unison) Ham??!--
N- The pig was killed for food. Are we eating the tree?
K- No, but--
N- So you killed it in self-defense?
K- I didn’t kill it at all.
N- (a gasp) You didn’t even bother to go out in the woods yourself? Couldn’t even look it in the eyes? You just--
K- Omigod, what eyes?
LL- (pointing) Eyes!
N- You see? What kind of Christmas lesson are we teaching our daughter?
K- …That you can’t just put presents under the flatscreen?
N- (grumbles, scrunches face, takes more popcorn, heads to liquor cabinet)
K- Are you moving to step two?
N- (raises glass) “To the fallen, and the stumps ye left behind--“
K- “And the boy sat. And the tree was happy.”
N- Aw man, no fair. You know that book makes me cry.
MERRY CHRISTMAS (AND SUCH) FROM THE GRAYS
Katie- (to Lucinda Lee) Honey, put that down.
Nicho- What’s she got now?
K- She’s eating all the decoration popcorn.
N- (hand in bowl, mouth full) Whmp th fuhg iz deecrmption pmpchn?
K- You never put popcorn on a string?
N- (another fistful) The holidays are for eating, drinking, and making merry. Lucinda Lee and I are on step one.
K- (smacks his hand away) Keep it up there’ll be no step three.
N- Fine. There’s no movie butter anyway.
K- Why would I put butter on it when it’s going on the tree?
Lucinda Lee- Tree!
N- (grabbing more) Well if you’re just going to throw it out there for some stupid squirrels--
Cheeto & Cotton- (unison) Squirrels??--
George- Jesus Christ…
K- I am not throwing it at som
LL- Tree!
K- It goes lights, tinsel, popcorn. Then hanging ornaments, then--
N- Wait, wait wait wait…
K- Oh, this is happening.
N- You’re barbaric.
K- Soo, Christmas trees are murder. But Christmas ham--
Cheeto & Cotton- (unison) Ham??!--
N- The pig was killed for food. Are we eating the tree?
K- No, but--
N- So you killed it in self-defense?
K- I didn’t kill it at all.
N- (a gasp) You didn’t even bother to go out in the woods yourself? Couldn’t even look it in the eyes? You just--
K- Omigod, what eyes?
LL- (pointing) Eyes!
N- You see? What kind of Christmas lesson are we teaching our daughter?
K- …That you can’t just put presents under the flatscreen?
N- (grumbles, scrunches face, takes more popcorn, heads to liquor cabinet)
K- Are you moving to step two?
N- (raises glass) “To the fallen, and the stumps ye left behind--“
K- “And the boy sat. And the tree was happy.”
N- Aw man, no fair. You know that book makes me cry.
MERRY CHRISTMAS (AND SUCH) FROM THE GRAYS
