2011

Dial 'M' for Christmas

~a Gray family card~
Katie- (to Lucinda Lee) Honey, put that down.
Nicho- What’s she got now?
K- She’s eating all the decoration popcorn.­
N- (hand in bowl, mouth full) Whmp th fuhg iz deecrmption pmpchn?
K- You never put popcorn on a string?
N- (another fistful) The holidays are for eating, drinking, and making merry.  Lucinda Lee and I are on step one.
K- (smacks his hand away) Keep it up there’ll be no step three.
N- Fine.  There’s no movie butter anyway.
K- Why would I put butter on it when it’s going on the tree?
Lucinda Lee- Tree!
N- (grabbing more) Well if you’re just going to throw it out there for some stupid squirrels--
Cheeto & Cotton- (unison) Squirrels??--
George- Jesus Christ…
K- I am not throwing it at some random tree.
LL- Tree!
K- It goes lights, tinsel, popcorn.  Then hanging ornaments, then--
N- Wait, wait wait wait…
K- Oh, this is happening.
N- You’re barbaric.
K- Soo, Christmas trees are murder.  But Christmas ham--
Cheeto & Cotton- (unison) Ham??!--
N- The pig was killed for food.  Are we eating the tree?
K- No, but--
N- So you killed it in self-defense?
K- I didn’t kill it at all.
N- (a gasp) You didn’t even bother to go out in the woods yourself?  Couldn’t even look it in the eyes?  You just--
K- Omigod, what eyes?
LL- (pointing) Eyes!
N- You see?   What kind of Christmas lesson are we teaching our daughter?
K- …That you can’t just put presents under the flatscreen?
N- (grumbles, scrunches face, takes more popcorn, heads to liquor cabinet)
K- Are you moving to step two?
N- (raises glass) “To the fallen, and the stumps ye left behind--“
K- “And the boy sat.  And the tree was happy.”
N- Aw man, no fair.  You know that book makes me cry.

MERRY CHRISTMAS (AND SUCH) FROM THE GRAYS

2010

[LEGEND: K= Katie, N= Nicholas, Ch= Cheeto, Co= Cotton, G= George, LL= Lucinda Lee]

Enter Katie with boxes of Christmas cards.

K- You want to help me with these, honey?

Co- Yeah!!

G- No.

N- Me neither.

Ch- I will helper you, Mommy.

K- Not you--

LL- [kicks, giggles]

ALL OTHERS (unison): Ohhhh…

N- I am Jack’s complete lack of surprise.

Co- But Ma…

G- That thing again.

K- (to N): I actually would like you to help too.

N- I dunno… I got to see a guy about a thing…

Ch- I will go with!

K- There’s no guy. There’s no thing.

Ch- (sad) Oh.

N- I have… important research.

K- You are not shirking your family duties to tweak your fantasy lineup.

(Pause. Tense pause. Finally:)

N- But I might have to start Danny Amendola in my flex spot if the MRI on Johnny Knox’s knee--

K- Look at this sweet face.

LL- [spit bubbles, drool]

K- Hold on, let me wipe her chin.

G- Really? Knox and Amendola? Powerhouse lineup you got there.

N- Shut up, cat.

K- Now look at this sweet face. How can you say no to your baby girl?

Ch- (incensed) No, Mommy! I am the baby girl! Not stupid infant-spawn.

K- I’m sure you will disappoint your daughter for years to come; can you try to make it past her first Christmas?

N- Wowww.

Ch- (still pouting) … the Cheeto is the baby girl...

Co- And I’m a good boy! Ma said. Right Ma?

N- Fine. Lucinda Lee, what do you want to write the card about?

LL- [indiscriminate vowel sound]

G- This ought to be rich.

N- Shut up, cat.

G- Even better than the one about squirrels.

Co- And where to poo! Right Ma?

Ch- Stupid infant-spawn poos in the house.

Co- Not me. Right Ma? I’m a good boy!

G- Whole card’ll be about nothin’ but boobs.

N- I can get behind that idea.

K- Everybody shut up! Cheeto, you are thirty-five in dog years; that means you’re older than I am and no longer the

baby girl. Cotton, yes you’re a good-- stop licking me. George, you know damn well why you can’t pick the cards

anymore. Cotton, yes, you’re-- stop licking me. Nicholas, put the laptop away- I thought we said no more football!

N- This isn’t football. I’m doing research on that boob idea.

K- Put it away! Cotton, stop licking me! We’re doing the Christmas cards, and the next one to say a single word--

LL- [coos. smiles]

N & K- Awwww-!

LL- [bigger smile]

Pause. All sniff.

K- Well that’s not going in the card.

N- Maybe we should crack a window.

2009

The Annual Christmas Saga

(already in progress...)

K: Because four boxes is plenty, that’s why!

N: Plenty for the friendless! Plenty for someone like [NAME

REDACTED]...

K: Shush. He’s getting a card.

N: Out of pity, yes, that’s only humane.

K: Still, four boxes is almost 80 cards.

N: “Almost”... isn’t that a fancy word for “not”?

K: (thinks) Getting more is bad for the environment.

N: I thought we got those recycled paper dealies this year--

K: Yeah, but then there’s the driving to the store to get more...

and the parking, and the... walking...

N: Oh-! So you just don’t want to go.

K: Does that mean you’re offering?

N: What, me? God no.

(Mexican standoff.)

Why did you only buy four boxes, anyway?

K: Because you would have vetoed all the other cards.

N: Says who?

K: Well, you don’t like mangers, you don’t like holly...

N: Okay...

K: You don’t like stars, or red bows, or wreaths...

N: Okay [I get it]--

K: Christmas trees, angels, Magi, tinsel, candy canes, apple-

cheeked children...

N: Ooh, I hate them!

K: See?

N: Smug little... think they’re so cute...

K: That only leaves snowmen and Santa.

N: (no longer riled about the apple-cheeked children) Yay! I like

snowmen.

K: No love for Santa? I even found you the skinny Tim Burton

kind.

N: Well, that’s good. Fat Santa just isn’t realistic. He’d get stuck

in the chimney.

K: (dry) Yes, you’re right. Skinny Santa is much more plausible.

N: Obesity is a national epidemic. We don’t need an icon that

round.

K: The snowmen are round....

N: They’re made of snow!

K: Besides, 80 is as many people as we had at our wedding.

N: That was six years ago. We’ve met a few folks since then...

K: Yeah, but some of the old ones have dropped off the active

roster. It’s a rotating position.

N: Being our friend.

K: Yeah.

N: Honey, it’s time you face facts. No one thinks we’re cool

enough to be exclusive.

K: (tight-lipped) Maybe if some of us were a little more

exclusive, people would think we’re cooler.

N: I’m sure that’s what [NAME REDACTED] tells himself every

Friday night.

K: You’ve made me sad now. Let’s not think about that, it’s

the holidays.

N: So, wait, you’re actually firing our friends when we make

new ones?

K: Just from the card list.

N: So you’re ranking our friends.

K: You wanna know your number?

N: Ya think maybe we ought not mention the ranking in the

card?

K: Why? Anyone who’s reading this made the cut. They’ll be

flattered.

N: Yeah. Everyone but [NAME REDACTED].

End.

2008

N- What are you doing?

K- Christmas cards. Time.

N- No- we’re not doing that this year.

K- What? Everyone loved last year’s!

N- Exactly. It was very popular. We can only go downhill.

K- That’s dumb--

N- Gotta go out on top!

K- --really, really dumb.

N- I don’t want to be Michael Jordan in a Wizards uniform.

K- Or Brett Favre in a Jets’--

N- [shrieks] You are not nice.

K- What, am I going to get “coal” in my stocking?

N- You will have no stocking. You won’t even have socks!

K- You’re getting off-[topic]--

N- Middle of winter, when your toes are falling off, you can think about what

you said.

K- [looong sigh] So what are we writing?

N- I dunno. We have to change it up. Go a totally different direction.

K- “Christmas card, the acoustic version”?

N- Exactly!... We’ll have the dogs write it.

K- If we do that, the whole thing’ll be about squirrels.

N- Ok, fine. Then we’ll let George help.

K- The cat hates Christmas.

N- No, he hates the dogs.

K- [stony silence]

N- Oh good! I’m glad you agree.

K- I didn’t agree to--

Cheeto- Cotton, stop chewing on the door.

[K- Oh dammit...]

Cheeto- Cotton, pay attention.

Cotton- [mouth full of door] Un-uh.

Cheeto- We have to write the Christmas card.

Cotton- What’s Christmas? C’n i eat it? What is it? I wanna eat it.

George- It’s when you write a bunch of stupid jokes.

Cheeto- And then we send them to all our friends.

George- No. If they were friends they’d get a present.

Cheeto- You are not nice.

George- Am I going to get “coal” in my stocking?

[K- Oh, come on! Now we’re just repeating ourselves.]

[N- Shh. Let’s see where he goes with this.]

[K- Our friends are going to read that.]

[N- Don’t worry. They’ll blame the cat.]

Cheeto- OK, first we have to tell them about the squirrels...

Cotton- Squirrels, an’ where to take a poo!

George- Sweet. This is gonna be the best card yet.

2007

Katie sits in the living room, playing with the dog. Nicholas enters with a stack of cards.

KATIE- No. No way. Don’t even start.

NICHOLAS- If we don’t send cards, then they’ll expect presents.

K- But I’m the one who always has to go to the post office and watch the fat lady not help the old man for thirty minutes while I’m parked illegally across--

N- Breathe, honey, breathe.

K- You breathe! You go to the post office!

N- I don’t know where the post office is.

K- (rolling eyes) Go up Aramingo to Allegheny, make a left, then make a right--

N- Which one is Allegheny again?

K- Two lights past Dunkin Donuts, one before Wendy’s.

N- A-ha!

K- Then you make a right on Emerald--

N- What’s Emerald? What’s that near? Is that the one by Arby’s?

K- (sigh) E-mail this time then?

N- Every year with you and the e-mail! We’re not sending e-mail. We’re never sending Christmas e-mail!

K- We can use Facebook.

N- Nobody uses Facebook.

K- They do too. I’ve got 92 friends!

N- Do you go out for i-Coffee with them?

K- No, but I can send them virtual presents.

N- Please tell me that’s not what we gave the Toys for Tots people...

K- No-- you can send a virtual tree, a virtual mistletoe, a virtual puppy. Look, I’ll show you--

N- I am not looking at any [expletive deleted] virtual puppy! Look, now you’ve upset Cheeto.

K- It’s not that--

N- It’s okay, Cheeto, your mommy doesn’t really play with other puppies. You’re her only one. It’s just a sick imaginary world she plays in sometimes.

K- It’s research!!

N- Yes. And I’ve been researching Hot Asian Teens.

K- Why don’t you research where the post office is, hmmm?

N- ..I know someone who’s getting a virtual present this year...

2006 is missing

If anyone has it, send it to us so we can post.

2005

N- What are those?

K- Stamps.

N- Whyyyy?

K- It’s almost Thanksgiving.

N- And we’re mailing a turkey!

K- Um, no. Think yuletide.

(pause)

N- Oh, no…

K- Grab a pen.

N- Again?

K- It’s been a year.

N- No-! We just did this.

K- If by ‘just’, you mean a year.

N- In geological terms, that’s not very long. People will think you’re pestering them.

K- (gritted teeth) No, we’re thoughtful. People will think we’re thoughtful.

N- Naahh, they know better than that.

K- They know better about you. I have a reputation to maintain.

N- Last year I almost died.

K- Is that your excuse for how late they were?

N- Paper cut. On my tongue. From the envelope. Almost died.

K- Died.

N- Almost…

K- Okay, I’ll lick the envelopes.

N- I don’t want you to die!

K- You know what? Fine! Fine. Forget the whole thing. Let’s fire out a Christmas email.

N- That’s horrible.

K- “[To undisclosed recipients], re: “Merry Xmas ;)”—

N- No.

K- Ooh! We can do it on Friendster!

(pause) (pause)

N- Gimme a pen.