2007

Katie sits in the living room, playing with the dog. Nicholas enters with a stack of cards.

KATIE- No. No way. Don’t even start.

NICHOLAS- If we don’t send cards, then they’ll expect presents.

K- But I’m the one who always has to go to the post office and watch the fat lady not help the old man for thirty minutes while I’m parked illegally across--

N- Breathe, honey, breathe.

K- You breathe! You go to the post office!

N- I don’t know where the post office is.

K- (rolling eyes) Go up Aramingo to Allegheny, make a left, then make a right--

N- Which one is Allegheny again?

K- Two lights past Dunkin Donuts, one before Wendy’s.

N- A-ha!

K- Then you make a right on Emerald--

N- What’s Emerald? What’s that near? Is that the one by Arby’s?

K- (sigh) E-mail this time then?

N- Every year with you and the e-mail! We’re not sending e-mail. We’re never sending Christmas e-mail!

K- We can use Facebook.

N- Nobody uses Facebook.

K- They do too. I’ve got 92 friends!

N- Do you go out for i-Coffee with them?

K- No, but I can send them virtual presents.

N- Please tell me that’s not what we gave the Toys for Tots people...

K- No-- you can send a virtual tree, a virtual mistletoe, a virtual puppy. Look, I’ll show you--

N- I am not looking at any [expletive deleted] virtual puppy! Look, now you’ve upset Cheeto.

K- It’s not that--

N- It’s okay, Cheeto, your mommy doesn’t really play with other puppies. You’re her only one. It’s just a sick imaginary world she plays in sometimes.

K- It’s research!!

N- Yes. And I’ve been researching Hot Asian Teens.

K- Why don’t you research where the post office is, hmmm?

N- ..I know someone who’s getting a virtual present this year...