2009

The Annual Christmas Saga

(already in progress...)

K: Because four boxes is plenty, that’s why!

N: Plenty for the friendless! Plenty for someone like [NAME

REDACTED]...

K: Shush. He’s getting a card.

N: Out of pity, yes, that’s only humane.

K: Still, four boxes is almost 80 cards.

N: “Almost”... isn’t that a fancy word for “not”?

K: (thinks) Getting more is bad for the environment.

N: I thought we got those recycled paper dealies this year--

K: Yeah, but then there’s the driving to the store to get more...

and the parking, and the... walking...

N: Oh-! So you just don’t want to go.

K: Does that mean you’re offering?

N: What, me? God no.

(Mexican standoff.)

Why did you only buy four boxes, anyway?

K: Because you would have vetoed all the other cards.

N: Says who?

K: Well, you don’t like mangers, you don’t like holly...

N: Okay...

K: You don’t like stars, or red bows, or wreaths...

N: Okay [I get it]--

K: Christmas trees, angels, Magi, tinsel, candy canes, apple-

cheeked children...

N: Ooh, I hate them!

K: See?

N: Smug little... think they’re so cute...

K: That only leaves snowmen and Santa.

N: (no longer riled about the apple-cheeked children) Yay! I like

snowmen.

K: No love for Santa? I even found you the skinny Tim Burton

kind.

N: Well, that’s good. Fat Santa just isn’t realistic. He’d get stuck

in the chimney.

K: (dry) Yes, you’re right. Skinny Santa is much more plausible.

N: Obesity is a national epidemic. We don’t need an icon that

round.

K: The snowmen are round....

N: They’re made of snow!

K: Besides, 80 is as many people as we had at our wedding.

N: That was six years ago. We’ve met a few folks since then...

K: Yeah, but some of the old ones have dropped off the active

roster. It’s a rotating position.

N: Being our friend.

K: Yeah.

N: Honey, it’s time you face facts. No one thinks we’re cool

enough to be exclusive.

K: (tight-lipped) Maybe if some of us were a little more

exclusive, people would think we’re cooler.

N: I’m sure that’s what [NAME REDACTED] tells himself every

Friday night.

K: You’ve made me sad now. Let’s not think about that, it’s

the holidays.

N: So, wait, you’re actually firing our friends when we make

new ones?

K: Just from the card list.

N: So you’re ranking our friends.

K: You wanna know your number?

N: Ya think maybe we ought not mention the ranking in the

card?

K: Why? Anyone who’s reading this made the cut. They’ll be

flattered.

N: Yeah. Everyone but [NAME REDACTED].

End.