[LEGEND: K= Katie, N= Nicholas, Ch= Cheeto, Co= Cotton, G= George, LL= Lucinda Lee]
Enter Katie with boxes of Christmas cards.
K- You want to help me with these, honey?
Co- Yeah!!
G- No.
N- Me neither.
Ch- I will helper you, Mommy.
K- Not you--
LL- [kicks, giggles]
ALL OTHERS (unison): Ohhhh…
N- I am Jack’s complete lack of surprise.
Co- But Ma…
G- That thing again.
K- (to N): I actually would like you to help too.
N- I dunno… I got to see a guy about a thing…
Ch- I will go with!
K- There’s no guy. There’s no thing.
Ch- (sad) Oh.
N- I have… important research.
K- You are not shirking your family duties to tweak your fantasy lineup.
(Pause. Tense pause. Finally:)
N- But I might have to start Danny Amendola in my flex spot if the MRI on Johnny Knox’s knee--
K- Look at this sweet face.
LL- [spit bubbles, drool]
K- Hold on, let me wipe her chin.
G- Really? Knox and Amendola? Powerhouse lineup you got there.
N- Shut up, cat.
K- Now look at this sweet face. How can you say no to your baby girl?
Ch- (incensed) No, Mommy! I am the baby girl! Not stupid infant-spawn.
K- I’m sure you will disappoint your daughter for years to come; can you try to make it past her first Christmas?
N- Wowww.
Ch- (still pouting) … the Cheeto is the baby girl...
Co- And I’m a good boy! Ma said. Right Ma?
N- Fine. Lucinda Lee, what do you want to write the card about?
LL- [indiscriminate vowel sound]
G- This ought to be rich.
N- Shut up, cat.
G- Even better than the one about squirrels.
Co- And where to poo! Right Ma?
Ch- Stupid infant-spawn poos in the house.
Co- Not me. Right Ma? I’m a good boy!
G- Whole card’ll be about nothin’ but boobs.
N- I can get behind that idea.
K- Everybody shut up! Cheeto, you are thirty-five in dog years; that means you’re older than I am and no longer the
baby girl. Cotton, yes you’re a good-- stop licking me. George, you know damn well why you can’t pick the cards
anymore. Cotton, yes, you’re-- stop licking me. Nicholas, put the laptop away- I thought we said no more football!
N- This isn’t football. I’m doing research on that boob idea.
K- Put it away! Cotton, stop licking me! We’re doing the Christmas cards, and the next one to say a single word--
LL- [coos. smiles]
N & K- Awwww-!
LL- [bigger smile]
Pause. All sniff.
K- Well that’s not going in the card.
N- Maybe we should crack a window.
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